Hello, it has been a while. To be honest I haven’t been feeling all to great the last few weeks, months maybe. And it been dawning on me that I might have autism but the step to get an official diagnoses is just to far for me, I just don’t want to be medicated and I have found some mechanisms to help me through the day. Although they sometimes not work when different anxiety inducing situations decide to come towards you at the same time. Which has happened the last couple of weeks.
The past few weeks I had been telling my husband that I suspect that I have autism because the older I get, its getting harder to cope with the world. These days there are more stressors: war, inequality, femicide, hate, you name it.
And yesterday after work we always rewind and talk before doing our own thing for the rest of the Friday evening and I mentioned a book that might be interesting for him to read by Kevin Dutton, the Wisdom of Psychopaths. And we found out that we have the defenition of psychopaths and sociapaths mixed up because according to Kevin the ten professions that have the highest proportion of psychopaths are:
CEOs
Lawyers
Media people (TV and radio)
Sales people
Surgeons
Journalists
Police officers
Clergy
Chefs
Civil servants
And looking at the traits of a psychopath we both concluded that the surgeon who fixed my husbands shattered ankle is indeed a psychopath. Because he was incredibly charming but also had grandiose self-worth because he kept going on and on how fantastic his work was and that my husband was able to walk normally again.
It is interesting to know that there are non-violence psychopaths and I understand that in order to make the best out of capitalism you need to be a bit of a psycho. The problem is that some psycho’s become presidents or parlement members and then you can get a shit show if they only cable of serving their own interests instead of the public.
From there we deviated towards high-functioning autism in women and soon the things started to click for me. Lately I always felt off, like I couldn’t connect with the world anymore. I get really angry when people lie to me, especially people who are blood related to me. I don’t understand why people at work can keep beefing and backstabbing eachother for years, don’t understand when I make a complaint about it, nothing is done about the toxic behaviour by management. I don’t understand why management disputes are fought over the backs of our clients because they aren’t happy with the funding cut they received. I don’t understand why people have an utter disregard for road traffic laws and can’t keep to the maximum speed. I don’t understand why governments turn a blind eye to bombing and killing children and women because it is done by our ‘allies’. Some people that I cannot avoid because I work with them, give off such a strong negative energy that makes me physically sick.
I get anxious when people trying to involve me in their beef with another colleague trying me to pick their side. I get anxious listening to other peoples’ unresolved trauma being regurgitated over and over and just shut down mentally. Social gatherings with certain people drain me completely and I need to recover for days while isolating myself from everyone and everything.
I haven’t been able to pick up a book for months, graphic novels are even exhausting to finish in one go. I haven’t been able to book an appointment with the dentist for weeks. I haven’t been able to pick up my markers and colour, this usually relaxes me.
All I want is just sleep and let time pass by. I do not want to be part of the cycle anymore, just sleep. There are little moments that give me just a bout of energy. Walking the dog, feeding the cats, taking walks with my husband, having dinner with my husband but the dread of life is always looming over me. I wished noone would notice me, that I could just move through the hours like a ghost.
And it is not just a specific thing, if it was just work I could quit and find something else. I just can’t escape peoples’ energy anymore, blocking out people’s energy, the negative energy I mean. It is impolite to say that you don’t want to be part of this conversation anymore, but my boundaries keep being disregarded. So maybe I should do the socially frowned upon thing and just tell people blunty that I do not want to be part of this conversation anymore. I can’t help you with your unresolved issues, I have enough to deal with myself, juggling perimenopause, my chronic illnesses and my autistic traits. Maybe I will just do that.
Having these struggles the past few weeks meant I didn’t find joy in the things I had planned. I had charged up my camera for a colour challenge and I did go out to Utrecht to start it but I just couldn’t find the energy to pull out the camera from my bag. I wasn’t even able to get my target steps that day, I just felt empty.
But yesterday I had a decent day, I woke up early to get some groceries done. The store during later is packed and I didn’t feel like chasing for a parking spot so by going at 8am it was way more relaxed. I missed out on some of the bargain but meh they are usually not options either. After that I picked up my husband and his dog and we had a nice lunch. Freshly baked rolls is the way to go. And we talked alot, we talked about what was wearing me out and he just said do whatever feels good for you. If you do not vibe with the person at that moment, just think of yourself as the more important one and put up that boundary. It felt good that he acknowledges me, he is one of the few people I can show my unfiltered self to. I played some cozy games on my Switch but felt really sleep and took a timed nap. We had agreed to go into town because I needed to buy new slippers as mine have worn completely. After the nap I felt a bit refreshed and we set out. The slippers they had in the store weren’t what I was looking for. I need a specific type that doesn’t feel gross when I am barefooted. During the hot weather I more enjoy walking barefoot in the house but my mom always complains about it. I should ignore her more because she keps smashing my cups.
My husband was able to get some slippers while he wasn’t looking for them so it wasn’t completely pointless to go. I checked out the local bookstore but found nothing of interest. And we left for home to prepare dinner, the ribs had to be in the oven for two hours so we needed to start in time.
One hour in, I started to make the potato salad my husband loves, the Japanese version and after dinner I was looking up some spots that I want to visit when in Japan, making some sort of an itinerary before it was movie time. I had suggested we watch True Lies and my hubby had not seen that yet. And while I enjoyed the movie in the past, now it just felt majorly cringe. My hubby mentioned even James Cameron was able to make a shit movie in the 90s and we discussed what horriblely written movies we have seen from the past. Can’t all be winners.
Now that I have woken up it was not a bad day yesterday. I had less to worry about myself. Hope that I am now in the bit of a way up, slow paced. No rush.
I want to end this weekly on a lighter note. I made some stickers out of a few of my photos and while some have turned out a bit too small for my taste I do love these two die cut stickers of Bridget and I already stuck on on my new planner. The other one will be stuck on my laptop. But I am already overthinking where to put her haha.
