I walked to a nearby shopping centre so I could mail out some birthday cards. The sun is shining, it’s not that cold for the fall season and I decided to treat myself to soft serve.
Not far from the shopping centre is a park connected by a lake and I make my way towards it. Good time to bask in the sun while contemplating life.
A few months ago I wasn’t in a good place. Circumstances at my work lead to a burnout, and a wish to end my life. I had to sign an NDA, found out a whole department was being made redundant and moral in my team sank to the bottom of The Mariana Trench which lead to more people quitting. I had to pick up the extra work, but I didn’t put the blame on the people that left. I mean why keep working at a place that broke your trust.
The funny thing is that I never heard that I need to take it easy, not even when I expressed that I was sitting behind my computer crying and vomiting. That was because the work kept being done. But when I fell 100% ill, then the words of no rush, you can only do what you can do came out. What a joke.
For work ethic I used to be like my dad. Work hard, never speak against your boss and your rewards will come. I am speaking about this in past tense because I got a fair warning from my GP, psychologist and company doctor that keeping this work ethic up, I will end up in the hospital with a heart attack. And I would joke, at least it wasn’t at 36 like my dad.
But my dad had always worked hard as a nurse. 43 years with the hospital. Had just gone on pre-retirement and before he could even receive his state pension, he died. The years as a nurse had wrecked his body. Destroyed back, knee replacement, arteritis, heart condition, etc. He paid 43 years of workers pensions, even longer state pension and it all went up in smoke when he died. My mother got one pay-out of €32.000 and the rest disappeared in the coffers of the pension insurer and the State. On paper my dad is the ideal worker, pay for possible future benefits and die before even receiving them. The pension insurers and State want more of these good workers, gullible fools that believe the world is fair like my dad.
If my father had known he would leave my mother destitute, he would have been sad and angry. Like I am sad and angry for her now. He has been gone for 8 years now. 8 years of money saved for the institutions. It makes me even more resentful. But at least I’ve opened my eyes sooner, so I could live my life a bit more instead of slaving away for nothing. Because my employer didn’t give an inch of concern that I was struggling to cover the workload that was for more than one person. I was the idiot to believe my hard work would amount to something. Not if you work in corporate and don’t have a sales function.
I went to college with future sales dudes, they are the worst of the people I’ve ever met. I have no respect for them.
Looking at my dad I really wanted to believe the lie that working hard, will give you the rewards that you seek. Me and my husband earn annually than my parents ever did but we get outbid of the market when looking at housing. Sure I could have an early start but I was in two long relationships with bozo’s that actually left me with financial issues. One was more invested in buying Magic the Gathering than put food on the table, the other was guy that was comfortable to let out his racism towards coloured people after 6 years into the relationship. Got to hand it to him, he kept the facade up for way to long. Or maybe Fox News finally blew his brain out and made him think that having one black friend meant you were allowed to use the N-word. I would have moved to the US for him but than I would be stuck in a different shithole.
Not having a house, an awesome paying job and 2 kids had made me feel like I was a failure in life. People fucking expect it from you. When are you going to have kids? Asked at a time I was single and between jobs. Kids cost money, can’t raise them on air. And I wouldn’t have been able to get them because I was then also suffering from endomitriosis which would have made childbirth difficult.
Buying a house, single on minimum wage jobs was a pipe dream in my thirties. I had to move to Northern Ireland because there wasn’t any fucking work here when the stock market crashed. And in Belfast it was impossible for me to even moderately make good savings because I had a bat-shit crazy roommate and moved out to spend 50% of my wages to live on my own. Besides I didn’t feel like become British after they went for Brexit. My passport is actually worth something within the EU. I moved back to the Netherlands.
With a bit of luck I found a partner that wasn’t a douche. But by then, 8 years ago, owning property was already becoming harder and harder. I had my student debt to wipe and he had to recover from being a business owner to transition over to being employed. Did you know hardly anyone wants to hire you when you have had your own business for a while? Because you have been out of the employee loop too long, you might not feel well working under someone. Laughable. So you are condemned to minimum wage jobs in call centres in which it feels that a bullet to the head is a better prospect than dealing with consumers. Utmost respect to people working in retail or server industry, cuz I wanted the ability to pull someone through the receiver and tell them to stop calling me a cunt. The business that you bought stuff from doesn’t want to help you when its going to cost them a lot of money and they will try to shirk that responsibility through their terms and conditions.
I’ve become worn out from dragging on, taking responsibilities that I shouldn’t, giving my 150% to people who don’t really see or appreciate it. I suffer from high blood pressure and insomnia and started to ask myself do I want to end up in a casket? And have missed growing old and finally be able to enjoy myself like my dad had really wanted too. He had made plans, said he was going to visit me often in Belfast with mum. Travel to Indonesia, to the place where mum was born. But he fucking died before this all could happen.
I felt a weight dropping from my shoulders when I finally discussed my concerns with my partner. I can’t do forty or more hours in corporate anymore. I doubt it would be possible to work less, let’s see what they say during my annual evaluation. But I just can’t do it anymore. Financially a house is unreachable, and by accepting this I found more peace in life than I have had in a decade. I don’t feel lost anymore because I found a new hunger to feed, the hunger to create, to get connected to my roots and form my identity.
This fresh wind has given me strenght to walk a path into the unknown. I can do this, and I know my dad would be proud of me.
